@GrahamKritzer

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

You Might Also Like

@JeffKasanoff

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

@dril

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

@AndyAsAdjective

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

@daisy_haggard

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

@max_pad21

I failed my Driver’s test. Driving teacher: “What do you do at a red light?” Me: “I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter.”

@MattTheBrand

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

@WilliamAder

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.