The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
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I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!