The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.