Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
For the ones in the back.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”