@jasonroeder

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

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@Sickayduh

“What’s that?”
– My new boss. He’s very deciduous”
“Decisive?”
– Nope. I carved him from a potted tree.
*squirrel peeks out of his mouth*

@neiltyson

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

@LizHackett

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

@iwearaonesie

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

@TheCatWhisprer

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

@TheHyyyype

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

@KevinFarzad

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case 17 people break in and wanna play baseball

@CornOnTheGoblin

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

@FlyJ_

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

@christinaloca

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.