The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.