– My new boss. He’s very deciduous”
– Nope. I carved him from a potted tree.
*squirrel peeks out of his mouth*
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case 17 people break in and wanna play baseball
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.