@AbbyHasIssues: The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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@matt___nelson: Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: "Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner" *centipede walks in* "You've got to be kiddin me"
@bobvulfov: dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests date 5: i don't think the moon is real
@MrsMikePatton: My boyfriend got pissed because I didn't swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?