The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Maths meets science
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
“HELP WITH CAT”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.