@AbbyHasIssues

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

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@TragicAllyHere

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

@TheToddWilliams

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

@KeetPotato

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

@markedly

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

@dullandwicked

just found out that the name for a bat in old cornish dialect is ‘airymouse’ and literally nothing better can happen today.

@cravin4

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

@Shade510

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

@bggas400

She’s got the face of an angel, a heart of gold, & a body that won’t quit.

Who cares that she curses like a trucker and drinks like a fish.

@shatterpants

I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.