The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

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[lookin in bushes for our baby]
me: where the hell can he be?
dog: roof roof roof
me: will you shut up
[baby waves at the dog from the roof]


I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.


just found out that the name for a bat in old cornish dialect is ‘airymouse’ and literally nothing better can happen today.


Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.


I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.


mailman: ahhh nothing quite like returning home from a long day delivering m- [gets attacked by his own dog]


Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.


[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.