@AbbyHasIssues

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

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@OllyiConic

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

@_davidlucas_

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

@PinkCamoTO

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

@MissWont

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

@Brianhopecomedy

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

@LizerReal

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

@Gupton68

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

@SCbchbum

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

@Samzen_

I throw my poop to birds to give them a taste of the parallel universe.

@ArfMeasures

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth