The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Important reminders