The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.


The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.


MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.


It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.


To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.


*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein


When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?


My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.


I throw my poop to birds to give them a taste of the parallel universe.


Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth