The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
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Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
a public service announcement
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all