Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
In space, no one can hear…
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top