“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
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When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
*gives up seat on bus for an old lady*
*whispers in her ear*
“This isn’t over”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.
“Wow, you’re tall!”
*repeat for infinity*
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.
CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is