The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
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COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Monday
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.