the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
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I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Okay
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio