@better_off_dad

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

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@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: im very straight forward

I: doesn’t sound like a weakness

M: you look stupid in that tie

@BlindChow

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

@GrrrRach

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

@Mr_Kapowski

GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir

*my voice cuts in on radio*

Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane

@Bob_Janke

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

@_Water_Baby

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour is outside, trying to see inside his gas tank using a lighter. Apparently, gasoline isn’t flammable anymore.

@RummyLauded

Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.

@GaryLineker

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

@dubstep4dads

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton