‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
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Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
At least he brought enough for everyone
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Banana is the quietest snack
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Midwest trash talk