‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: im very straight forward

I: doesn’t sound like a weakness

M: you look stupid in that tie


I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.


If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.


GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir

*my voice cuts in on radio*

Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane


I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win


You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.


My neighbour is outside, trying to see inside his gas tank using a lighter. Apparently, gasoline isn’t flammable anymore.


Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.


It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.


i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton