@Christweetpher_
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
@ravenswng_
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
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@Christweetpher_
@ddsmidt
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
@BeTheCookie
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
@lobstadelic
this will hang in the louvre one day
@roxiqt
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
@stanleybehrman
My patience has stretch marks.
@Death_Buddy
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
@NewTmrw
Coronavirus is too radical. America needs a more moderate virus that we can respond to incrementally.
@ramblinma
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
@jaslakhmna
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…