@ravenswng_

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

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@sixfootcandy

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

@Cheeseboy22

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

@WhiteBoyBubz

Netflix should have a category called
“easy to follow while looking at my
phone the whole time”

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What’s your best strength?

ME: I’m very self-lubricated

INT: You mean self-motivated?

ME: *slides out of the office* Nooooooooooo

@alldrolledup

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

@carlyken

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

@IndecisiveJones

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

@Try2StopME

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

@KinerdMccain

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.