The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
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It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Good morning y’all ☀️
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
love it when they get my name right
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’