Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
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My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Netflix should have a category called
“easy to follow while looking at my
phone the whole time”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your best strength?
ME: I’m very self-lubricated
INT: You mean self-motivated?
ME: *slides out of the office* Nooooooooooo
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
White Rabbit: oh shit
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.