ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
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Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit