@3BlindMike

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

You Might Also Like

@nachosarah

my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party

@Zac_Franklin

my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is “sorry, I was drunk.”

But now everyone thinks I’m an alcoholic so..shit.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

@ValeeGrrl

Shoutout to moms leaving long birthday notes to their kids on social media when their child is both illiterate and not on social media.

@MartaEffing

I hate when I’m cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I’m just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.

@GFGander

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

@kelkulus

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

@UnFitz

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”