The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

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my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party


my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is “sorry, I was drunk.”

But now everyone thinks I’m an alcoholic so..shit.


HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.


Shoutout to moms leaving long birthday notes to their kids on social media when their child is both illiterate and not on social media.


I hate when I’m cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I’m just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.


How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face


Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.


My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.


Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”