The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
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If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
The future is now.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.