The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
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The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
the three branches of government
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer