The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying


All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.


When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.


Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron


An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.


You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.


Me: I’m really into stereotypes.


Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?


If I ask you how your weekend was, don’t reply with “not long enough.” Don’t be that guy. I will reply with “that’s what she said.”


Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*


My doctor told me, “DON’T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm.” CHALLENGE ACCEPTED