@jokeymcjokeface

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

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@Go2Slp

How to sports:

– Take a ball
– Put it someplace someone else doesn’t want you to put it
– Congratulations you’ve now sportsed

@DurtMcHurtt

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

@badbanana

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

@Laser_Cat

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

@bornmiserable

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

@1evilidiot

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

@thedad

I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”