The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now