I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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How to sports:
– Take a ball
– Put it someplace someone else doesn’t want you to put it
– Congratulations you’ve now sportsed
Friends are like balloons; if you stab them, they die.
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”