Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.