The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
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why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Pretty much! 😂👀
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Breaking news:
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?