I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
She called me ugly
I called her an ambulance
If you don’t like my selfies, maybe you shouldn’t have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren’t ready to handle that kind of responsibility
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*