The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
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Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?