The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
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I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
#parenting
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.