@SexytotheNorth

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

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@notmythirdrodeo

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

@SoVeryBritish

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

@Nathan_NC17

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

@glittergirlD43

Hey NSA… I accidentally deleted an email… Can I get you to forward me your copy?

@roxiqt

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

@Headkutter

How to scare burglars off….

First put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger.
Second put a cat litter box in your hall and shit in it.

@Phook75

My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever

@EJGomez

son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today?
*puts hand on sons shoulder*
if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u