5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
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Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
ME: Hi I’d like to check my balance
BANK TELLER: *shoves me*
Hey NSA… I accidentally deleted an email… Can I get you to forward me your copy?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
How to scare burglars off….
First put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger.
Second put a cat litter box in your hall and shit in it.
My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever
son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today?
*puts hand on sons shoulder*
if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u