The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
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My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.