[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
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When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE