The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.