The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
You Might Also Like
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
This is my brand.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!