the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news