the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.