Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
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Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.