@behindyourback

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

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@Six_Pack_Mom

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

@KPMoore8

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

@Parentpains

Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

@Try2StopME

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

@BubblesnBooze

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

@curlycomedy

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

@david8hughes

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

@Burger_Time_

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

@BobScottCPA

Does anyone on here know how to “unhook” Amazon from my Twitter so that I can order things without giving people the idea I am Really bald??