the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
my sentiments exactly
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?