“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
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4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
“A needy board?”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Does anyone on here know how to “unhook” Amazon from my Twitter so that I can order things without giving people the idea I am Really bald??