The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
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anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
it was a valiant fight
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Taco Bell, Exit 22
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.