The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
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Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I know this now 😂
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods.