The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
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*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
When I said I liked it rough.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills