the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
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Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
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