The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

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Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”


People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.


Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk


Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.


A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.


Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:



Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either


Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.


To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”


I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.