@Brianhopecomedy: The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
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@Izianikapani: "I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour" "Just do the damn laundry"
@McGrumpenstein: Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius. *everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year* Me: What?
@: Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day