[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
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I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Real House Wines.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!