Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
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[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
it’s finally my moment to shine
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.