The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
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Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry