If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
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perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.