[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
You Might Also Like
Me: itâs just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: thatâs a ladle
Me: Iâve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Cop: So, Iâm writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: Youâre going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Moving sucks because youâre expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I havenât worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. Youâre robbing this of me for âcloset spaceâ.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
If my husband doesnât start helping with the housework soon, weâll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. đ
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling âUH OHâ which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Autoimmune disease means youâre invincible to dying in a car accident.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.