The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
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GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.