The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
You Might Also Like
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.