The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
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I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.