Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.