@lizetagge

The closest I’ve been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop…

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@thepunningman

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

@david8hughes

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

@SirEviscerate

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

@QwertyJones3

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

@samdunsiger

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

@BubblesnBooze

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

@Bearslietoo

A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.

@daemonic3

my thoughts based on your zodiac symbol

aquarius♒:¯_(ツ)_/¯
pisces♓:¯_(ツ)_/¯
aries♈:¯_(ツ)_/¯
taurus♉:¯_(ツ)_/¯
gemini♊:¯_(ツ)_/¯
cancer♋: NICE
leo♌:¯_(ツ)_/¯
virgo♍:¯_(ツ)_/¯
libra♎:¯_(ツ)_/¯
scorpio♏:¯_(ツ)_/¯
sagittarius♐:¯_(ツ)_/¯
capricorn♑:¯_(ツ)_/¯