My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The closest I’ve been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop…
You Might Also Like
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.
my thoughts based on your zodiac symbol