the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
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“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Meanwhile in Portland…
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem