I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
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Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I did so much yard work today, I might get deported.
When you know your about to be spammed on #tinder
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.