The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
You Might Also Like
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting