@3sunzzz

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

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@MomOnFire

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

@flashember

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

@Phook75

No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower

@Pundamentalism

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

@ceejoyner

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

@eedrk

girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train

@EllaZee5

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.