The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
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When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*