The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
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Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Before & after 😅
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌