I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
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When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that thing I told my wife I already did.
Before college, I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, but now I’m confident I have no idea what I’m doing.
date: so tell me about yourself
me: i am comprised of atoms
date: haha no like what do you do
me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain
date: for like fun, i mean
me: sex and television
alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude