The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
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Love it! 👍😂
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.