The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
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And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no